Trumpet Wom

While half the country tends to not vote in any election I found the amount of people that didn’t vote in the current one quite disappointing and insulting. The explanation I have heard is this was to make a statement to politicians on America’s participation in helping Israel bomb Palestine.

I still have a hard time understanding how not voting will help and not hurt Palestine more, and quite frankly I’m not really in a place to listen to the motivations behind it, especially because I’m pretty sure that the idea was introduced by Russian bots on social media and not experienced activists. I don’t know though, I’m no expert, perhaps it will do what those who didn’t vote to make a political statement want.

I just wanted to speak on the fact that one shared truth that many Americans have, yes even the white ones, is

we have ancestors who DIED for our right to vote.

I know as a Black woman, the amount of people that were beaten in the streets, imprisoned, tortured and killed to gain voting rights is motivation enough for me to exercise my right to vote while I still have it.

If you are a white man and have forebears that fought in the American Revolution, they did it so you could have the right to have a say in the leadership and choices in this country. If you are a white woman, many women sacrificed for your right to vote.

Our ancestors had to deal with the same broken country but still fought for the right to vote, I don’t have all the answers but I believe there is a wisdom in that, that can’t be denied.

As a citizen that is a part of the lgbtq community who has seen my trans homies especially react with justified fear to the next administration. As a woman who has already had rights taken away due to the actions of our next president and as a Black person who has seen the empowerment he gives to violent racists,

to me the people who didn’t vote made a bigger statement to “we the people” than they did politicians.

Especially since our next president has made it clear that he will do all he can to subvert and even overturn democracy for his own interests, including taking away our right to vote. Most especially because he has been following the same playbook as Hitler did to a T.

So I hope everyone who didn’t vote got what they wanted, I don’t see the value in such a choice but clearly you did. Maybe one day my rage and hurt will calm down enough for me to try and understand.

For me and my part I believe there are many ways to make a statement to politicians and I don’t believe abstaining from voting is the way to do it. I will continue to vote if I can and adapt to the situation as it arises in honor of my ancestors and the citizens in this country who need it.

I remember a teacher suggesting I read “Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets” in middle school, long before the average American child was obsessed with the series. I was a very avid reader who sometimes would get in trouble for reading in class even! As a child with not many friends, I often fled to the fantasy worlds created by books.

So when I finally picked up the Harry Potter series I can honestly say that I fell deeply in love with the magical world. Decades later as an adult I can quote way too many lines from the books and movies, I know my house (Gryffindor) and will always tear up at the death of Dobby. I still hold much reverence for the world J.K. Rowling created. I’m as big of a HP fan as they come.

But this article isn’t about Harry Potter, it’s about the impact one woman’s voice is having. When I started reading and talking to people in the trans community about what J.K. was up to, I was saddened to say the least. I honestly wasn’t that surprised because even as a young adult Rowling’s adherence to gender stereotypes (e.g. none of the boys cry when Cedric Diggory dies) was pretty obvious to me.

What did surprise me is how much she doubled and tripled down when people who love her work let her know that her words and actions were only increasing the bigotry and violence the trans community was experiencing. To me that’s what this discussion is about, not so much her viewpoint, but how loudly and often she is sharing this one particular viewpoint.

So when I learned about the Hogwarts Legacy boycott and read emphatic posts, with critical breakdowns of the impact J.K. Rowling’s very public discussions on transgender people were having, I listened. I don’t know what it’s like to be trans, but I do know what it’s like to scream into the void about the impact of bigotry.

Even now as Black woman I see it, as the horror of the George Floyd protests slip from America’s memory, the fad of breaking down one’s own unconscious bias and learning about the struggle of the Black community is slipping away too. Many books bought with the good intention of learning about the bigotry Black people face, lay barely read or not read at all.

And I know the boycott was never going to have any significant financial impact. The last truly successful boycott I can think of is the Montgomery Bus Boycott and that lasted over a year. It took an INCREDIBLE amount of organization and teamwork that we as a people are too divided to achieve for any issue, let alone an issue that only directly impacts less than 1% of the population.

But to me, that was never the point of the Hogwarts Legacy boycott. The whole point was to show solidarity with the trans community. A community of people that experience violence just for existing as themselves. The fact is people are murdered for being transgender and the violence is only rising with the increased negative conversations around them.

When J.K. Rowling as the author of a book that has sold so many books as to rival the sales of The Bible itself continues to use her voice to share her disdain for the transgender community, she is definitely having an impact on the hearts and minds of many just as she did with the Harry Potter series.

I’m not sure if the people proudly posting memes like “LOL the boycott made it more popular” or “This other creator did this evil thing are you going to boycott that too???” have any friends in the trans community. I don’t really understand why people are proud to post straw man arguments that don’t address the issue we are talking about.

Perhaps they have never truly looked into the eyes of a transgender person as they tell you they had vile insults hurled at them just for riding the bus or that they had to run for their life from a person that wanted to hurt them for being transgender.

The existence of crappy people working on other products we use doesn’t negate the impact of a celebrity as popular as J.K. Rowling. It doesn’t negate the fact that people in the trans community needed some solidarity on something as simple as a video game. At the end of the day, it is not my task to understand other people’s actions, only my own and this article isn’t really about them.

I wrote this article to say the boycott worked on me. I love gaming, I play on my Xbox and VR headset pretty much daily. As an avid gamer I have not bought the Hogwarts Legacy game and certainly would not go as far to promote it even if I had decided to pay for it, because I get it (or I think I do at least).

The boycott was never going to cripple the Harry Potter empire, it was just about awareness and solidarity. So even though I am just one musician with a small following who will never really have the impact J.K. Rowling has on the world, I wanted to say that I stand with the trans community on this.

She could choose to talk about any of the many opinions in her head but she chooses to promote an opinion that people continually tell her is causing pain and harm. This behavior doesn’t align with my value of compassion and I cannot support it.

I hope we can one day get to a place where people who feel like they were born in the wrong body aren’t subjected to violence and hate, simply because other people disagree that they were born in the wrong body.

And I’m sorry so many people are gleefully disregarding the real point of the Hogwarts Legacy boycott, solidarity against the impact of J.K. Rowling’s words and actions. All I can say is that the safety of the trans community (or any human being) means a lot more to me than a video game and I will not be promoting it. The boycott worked on me.

We all know the cycle. After two months of holiday parties and feasts, the cold dawn of January and light wallets bring us back to reality. Our spirits become invigorated for a fresh start and new beginnings. Promises are made, gym memberships paid for and alcohol is shunned.

Fast forward three months to broken promises and gym shorts sitting forgotten for happy hour at the local pub!

Breaking new years resolutions is as traditional as making the resolutions themselves. Because in reality we make change when we are ready to, not when some imaginary calendar system that we all made up as humans says so.

Despite this truth, there is something to be gained from the spark of energy created when we as a people across THE WORLD celebrate another revolution around the sun.

The occurrence of us all celebrating together across the globe is so rare. It’s no wonder we are inspired to be our best selves when it happens! Now what if we used this inspiration to do an audit of whether we lived up to our proclaimed values?

It’s easy for us to assume we are living life in a way that we approve, but the truth is we have a skewed perspective when it comes to ourselves. We humans are just animals.

Though we don’t always want to admit it, we’re all emotional. Emotions are great for telling us what is important to us or where we need to heal. However we need our rational brains to step in and help guide us through these emotions.

For example, two of my values are open-mindedness and compassion. In order to live by these values I have to react with inquisitiveness before judgement. So when a person reacts to me by screaming at me or saying something mean, I should take a step back and try to understand why.

Something I try to remind myself is “For all I know, their mother could have just died”. It sounds bleak, but it really forces me to consider the truth that I have no understanding of their perspective. Also, I can sure as hell remember times when I’ve yelled or said something mean because of pain that had nothing to do with the person in front of me.

And while I would love to report that I always respond with the grace of a diplomat who meditates daily and grew up in the world’s first perfect household, I do sometimes fail to live up to these values.

Sometimes I snap back angrily because I am scared or one of my pain points has been triggered. I’m not perfect just like you. But I can honestly say that on the whole I have more interactions full of peace and growth than if I did not covet the values of open-mindedness and compassion.

I also know to apply this to myself, because sometimes you need to be compassionate to your own need to protect yourself in certain situations. It is not always easy to tell, which is why a sincere and gentle review of ourselves is needed when it comes to checking in with our values.

Having written my values down reminds me to make decisions that align with these traits, whether it be in my music career or relationships with others. We as a world can take this mindset into each New Year.

I will close with an example of how useful this practice can be. Let’s say you have a resolution to “look better”, which traditionally means being more fit and reaching a certain weight. A vain, but worthy goal to have!

If you value discipline and health, the superficial goal of looking better will come in addition to bonuses in other areas of your life like showing up for your loved ones, having more energy and accomplishing more life goals.

The value of “health” requires us to not only check in with our physical health, but mental and spiritual/heart health. These aspects of ourselves are ever feeding off each other, and we can often learn there is a deeper root cause to our inability to make healthy eating and exercise choices.

On the other hand if our focus is just “looking good”, we can get lost in unhealthy weight loss methods or become overly critical and negative of ourselves for not losing weight fast enough (or gaining some back). And as a result of the self criticism, we start to silently (or loudly) become critical of others which can affect our relationships.

There is nothing wrong with superficial goals, it is when we make them the core of our values that we can lose the point of what makes the superficial goal truly valuable.

So this year, instead of resolutions, won’t you join me in doing a personal values review? Mine will be between me and my journal, but I’m sure others will have their own way of doing it whether it be with friends, family or via social media.

Whatever you chose I wish you growth and prosperity this year. May your feet always stray back to your true values after losing the path!

Tone: Calm and loving ❤

Over the past four years, I’ve watched white people, who don’t believe in white supremacy, flounder in confusion at loved ones who support Trump, the latest mascot for white supremacy. I see them ask for advice on what to do, even now after his supporters committed a terrorist attack on the U.S. Capital.

As a Black person, whose life and family’s life are being put in danger by this belief system, I feel tremendous fear from people like this because they are part of the reason why the dogma of white supremacy still persists and thrives in this world. If this is you, your loved one has no problem with me being killed or arrested just for existing while Black (or perhaps they would even be happy to pull the trigger themselves!). Just “not having that conversation” doesn’t really cut it with a person like this.

If this is your struggle I have one simple question to ask of you,

what incentive does this person have to analyze their beliefs and change?

I know from my own personal experience as coming out as gay to my parents that you can get into these endless cyclical conversations where both parties say/scream/cry their beliefs, but in the end the conversation doesn’t change. Because families get in fights and it’s easy to just get into a “this is just how it is” mindset.

I think the reasons it’s so hard for you with loved ones who are white supremacists to know what to do is the same reason it was so hard for me to deal with my parents. To have some who you know loves you, carry beliefs that don’t align with the values and morals they’ve taught you is confusing, scary and just damn hurts.

This person, who has taken care of you every time you’re sick, given you money when you needed it, supported you in trying to get into college or a job, forgiven you when you’ve made mistakes. Someone who has taught you morals that lead you to be a kind, giving and compassionate person in the world. This person that has taught you how to survive.

I imagine you fear for who they are as a person or their soul itself.

The fact is we are all learning and they were just taught some messed up shit from childhood that has them lost in darkness. They just need to learn and understand something different. You are trying to pull them down a path of light to show them, but they don’t even want to look that way because they fear what it could mean. It could mean that they slipped up morally and that a fundamental part of their identity is just plain wrong, that is a hard pill to swallow.

In this video, Arnold Schwarzenegger, talks about the effect the guilt of participating in the Nazi movement had on his father and all the fathers he knew in the neighborhood:

So with this truth in mind, that it will only get worse if your loved one continues on the path they are on, I hope you understand that it is not only Black lives or the environment that are in danger from your loved ones belief system, it is your loved one themself.

If you truly love them you need to understand, pretending like everything is honky dory when it is not, is helping NO ONE. They have no incentive to change because everything they love and value is as present as it ever was. I imagine you probably think that avoiding the hard conversations is the best way to love them.

But that pain and stress you feel when you “try to avoid talking about Trump” or silently let a rant pass, it is chipping away at you. That darkness and fear that festers and grows in your loved one the further they go down the path of white supremacy is chipping away at them.

To repeat the old adage, this is an “If you love someone let them go” situation. It is no different than if you had a loved one suffering from drug addiction and refusing to go to rehab, eventually you can’t keep giving them money because all you are doing is helping them kill themselves.

It wasn’t until my relationship with my parents seriously degraded and I told them why, that things started to change for the better.

It’s very easy to go through life not reflecting on what we think, do and say if we are always surrounded by other people, the television and internet. It’s not usually not until life knocks down, usually through a loss of some sort, that we stop and look at where we are and how we got there.

So if you want to save your loved ones, I implore you to be brave enough to cut them off. It doesn’t mean you completely ignore them if there is a crisis or something, but you can’t just keep doing that regular phone call and going to every family event as if nothing is wrong.

Of course they will be upset and you should explain why, but if they love you like you know they do, they will eventually have to stop and ask, “Could the problem be me?” They love you and will do everything they can think of to get you back in their life, even if it takes analyzing their beliefs like you are asking them to.

People are not only stubborn but it took years for them to build up that belief system, so I will say don’t expect it to work overnight or months. And obviously, I don’t have the answer to everyone’s white supremacist relative problem, I’m just saying that if you haven’t tried this, you haven’t done everything you can to save your loved one and your relationship.

Moreover your relationship will become richer and be so much more beautiful without the shadow of white supremacy darkening it. I imagine they themselves will be happier and more fulfilled as well.

I think this clip of George Lucas explaining the dark side of the force, accurately describes what believing in white supremacy does to a person and society.

If you are are a believer in love and compassion over violence and selfishness which is part of the teachings of white supremacy, you need to understand that you must stand up for love and face your loved one. This is why humans continue to pass around stories about the fight of love versus hate, to remind us in hard times that we must always be doing the work, whether it be in ourselves or relationships with others, to keep hate and suffering at bay.

We must all do our part if we want love and compassion to reign supreme, it takes our actions to be maintained, not just words. You have to let your loved one know that you cannot follow them down the path they are going, it is the only chance you have to save them and bring them back to love and compassion.

In the Summer of 2020 for the first time in history, the world and America itself got to see in real time first hand accounts of police brutality against Black Americans and anyone who would dare stand with us. The world has gotten to see and know videos of Black people getting murdered for things as basic as sleeping in their own home or trying to stop a fight.

In 2016, white Americans, white women especially gasped in shock as a racist, misogynistic, sexual predator who ran on a platform of “this is what I hate and don’t want” and nothing else became President of the United States. Trump, who I will hereafter refer to as “Sarumon” for his abuse of the power he was given, ability to sway masses with his speech and his being a pawn of a more intelligent and insidious evil that operates behind the scenes, just like Lord Sarumon in Lord of the Rings, became the archetype for the part of America, many American’s try to pretend doesn’t exist.

This isn’t an article about Sarumon though, it’s an article about the societal mindset that allowed Sarumon to gain power. Because it isn’t just Saruman supporters who refuse to embrace compassion.

In my frustration of dealing with people not wanting to believe how much racism still exists in America, despite the litany of historical and current evidence, I turned my eye to learning about a group of people I was ignorant about, disabled people. I incorrectly assumed that they are well taken care of in our country and protected by discrimination laws.

I started to learn how unaccommodating most of our society is to the disabled community. And it goes beyond that, a good chunk of the population straight up believes disabled would be better off dead! Like literally!!!

I found an abundance of disabled people creating literature, podcasts, social media etc. explicitly stating the human basics that they need to survive and thrive, and how to provide it for them, yet for some reason getting met with a “whatever, it’s not a big deal or an issue really” kind of response.

In trying to integrate some basic lessons I’ve learned so far from listening to disabled people, I’ve experienced surprising backlash at times. For instance, I learned that words like “crazy” or “insane”, are heavily associated with systemic and systematic abuse of disabled people and should be avoided. It’s the same reason why “n*gger” is a word that white people shouldn’t say, because of the history of oppression behind it.

So I’ve been trying to get into the habit of catching myself and replacing words like “crazy” with a different word. Because, why not? It’s a fun challenge to expand my vocabulary and an easy way to help others feel at peace in this world.

Surprisingly, people sometimes get upset with me when I do this, even after my explanation of why, I will get an eye roll and an “it’s not that serious”. I would see posts of self proclaimed liberals who have things like “anti-bigotry”, “BLM”, “F SARUMON!!” in their profile, on social media making fun of Saruman, not for his litany of moral failings, but for his disabilities like having difficulty walking or not being able to hold a glass with one hand. I would comment and point out that making fun of a disability means they are promoting the very things they say they are against and would be met with indifference and “well because he’s a bad person it’s ok” or sometimes downright rude responses.

Is it really that hard to just not make fun of disabilities or the way someone looks? Is being able to make fun of someone’s disability or to say a person is “crazy” really SO important to people that they will disregard the cries of millions of people? Apparently the answer is “yes” for millions.

Just yesterday, I watched Sia, whose music I have enjoyed in the past, disregard the voices of thousands of disabled and specifically autistic people in defense of a movie she will be releasing that features a non-autistic actress playing an autistic role.

Again, I’m not really here to talk about the person, but the mindset behind why a conversation like this is happening. As a musician, I get being defensive about a work you’ve put all of your heart and soul into, but as a human (and even musician) I’m having a hard time understanding why anybody would want to tell a story that isn’t theirs then get mad when the people who’s story they are trying to tell give them feedback that the story isn’t being told correctly.

So what is it? What is so difficult about compassion? To me compassion is the act of learning about those you don’t understand, it is an act that requires listening and letting go of the assumptions we have about ourselves and others. This is an uncomfortable process, compassion really doesn’t feel good until after the learning has happened, after an understanding of why a person is the way they are/did a thing they did, after an understanding of why we believe what we believe has been reached.

But to me it’s worth it, because don’t we ALL feel like we’re misunderstood? It seems very logical to me that if we ALL just listened, learned and adjusted how we treat a person based on the feedback they give us that we ALL would be much happier and healthy as a society. I genuinely believe we could be exploring space with warp drives and food replicators by choosing to embrace compassion.

But, clearly not all of society shares this belief. A good chunk of America, ~73 million to be precise, made it clear that they still believe in white supremacy and all that comes with it, when they voted for Saruman on Nov. 3rd 2020. White people are raising their young men to be murderers and are completely ok with it (Kyle Rittenhouse, Dylan Roof are some recent examples).

And to be honest, after watching so many white people literally willing to DIE on the hill of “I don’t believe in masks or COVID” because their leader told them to, I can’t even feel mad or take it personally. Because these people are doing it to themselves as well as everybody else. Dylan Roof literally threw his life away with the rest of the people he murdered in that church, why would anybody celebrate a young man throwing his life away? Why would anybody want to pass such a legacy down to their children? Where is the growth in that?

In the end, the cost of a lack of compassion, is loss of self. Many people claim to be of high moral standings and to believe in the sanctity of life but when it comes down to the test, they’re making excuses for cold blooded murder and turning a blind eye to oppression of millions because it makes them uncomfortable and is too inconvenient to face.

So what’s stopping so many from embracing compassion? My guess is fear, fear that one can’t survive without the benefits of privilege (not true), fear of having to admit that perhaps we’re playing the part of the villain, fear of facing and being who we really are. Fear of being something that society shuns. Fear that there isn’t enough to go around (not true). As Yoda said, fear leads to anger which leads to hate which is the path to the dark side.

NOBODY benefits from a lack of compassion for others, while the scars and pain or more apparent on the oppressed and down trodden, the decay that must take place in a person to turn away from compassion and our spiritual instinct of love and unity is readily apparent as well.

So what do you think? What’s stopping so many from embracing compassion? Please comment and discuss your thoughts (in a compassionate way of course!)

Before I get into this I should warn that anybody who has dealt with suicide may find this difficult to read, prepare yourself if you’ve decided to read. Some parts are a bit graphic as well.

I’m writing this for two main reasons:

1. I know suicide attempts increase in the winter and around now for college seniors. Hoping hearing my story will help someone.

2. There is a lot of ignorance surrounding depression and suicide, as a result sometimes people say extremely detrimental things that can increase the chance of a person commiting suicide and/or cause pain to people dealing with the death of a loved one by suicide.

It’s a long story so I will put it into chapters. :)

Chapter 1. Taking The Pills

In the winter of my senior year in 2008 I attempted to kill myself by taking as many pills (I can’t remember which brand, advil I think) as I could stomach and washing them down with vodka. It was nothing I hadn’t lightly tried before in my younger years, my depression started around middle school, but this was the first true “I’m definitely not going to wake up after this” attempt.

I had come out to my parents about a year and a half before, the experience was horrible and still to this date is one of the most painful experiences of my existence (I’ve since healed and now draw strength and self reliance from it however). As we neared the end of my college career and prepared to enter the “real world” I had no belief that I could make my true passion of music, my career. You see, I had been vocal about my intent to be a professional musician since picking up the horn at 10, it goes beyond intent, I feel ordained to do so. While I was encouraged to keep playing music throughout the years, adults had given me a steady mantra of “It’s not realistic”, “you’ll never make any money”, you know the same old stuff you’ve probably heard about any job that isn’t soul sucking lol. Lastly, I also had a pretty crappy go at finding love and finding a woman who regarded me as anything more than a fling.

So, here I am, on the lawn between Route 1 and South Campus Commons (for anybody who knows the University of Maryland campus), crying, swallowing as much as I can stomach and looking at the stars. The depression cycle is in full swing as I think about everything in my life, and most importantly the fact that I don’t believe I can make what I came to this Earth to do happen. People that haven’t found their purpose find this hard to understand, but when you know what you live for and think you can’t make it a reality, there is seemingly no point to life. I still believe this but view it from a different, more healthy perspective, but I’ll get to that later.

I remember taking everything out of my wallet and attempting to spell “I’m sorry” with them, my only attempt at a suicide note as I had nothing else on me. I can’t remember what triggered me this night. When you live with depression, all it takes is one trigger to send you spiraling into a cycle of unhealthy, self defeating thoughts. Somebody being rude, something small going wrong — can bring your depression out of the shadows, which is probably why I don’t remember what triggered me this night, it was probably insignificant and beside the point.

I blacked out and everything gets a little hazy from there. Somehow I stumbled over to my friend’s quad and got buzzed inside. The next thing I recall is laying on a sofa with some of her roomates looking at me with a kind of concerned look, I mumbled something like “leave me alone” at them and they let me be, probably just assuming I was really drunk. Next thing I remember is being at my apartment trying to go to sleep but my stomach hurt extremely bad, something was definitely wrong.

So at this point, I’m not dead but I’m in a lot of pain. I’m so disgusted by pills I don’t think I could take anymore to finish the job (to this day I hate taking pills and only do if I absolutely have to). I need help, but definitely am not going to call my family. I can’t remember why anymore, but something was wrong with my phone and I couldn’t get to my contacts. I went on to Facebook and looked for some people who had their number on their page. I found one and called it, no answer. I found another friend and called her. This wasn’t even a friend I particularly hung out with that much, I knew her from work, she definitely saved my life. I spoke to her and just mentioned what I had done, she said she was in North Carolina. To me, it wasn’t all that big of deal haha, but my friend was smart and called 911 after speaking to me.

Before I move on to the next chapter I want to note that women are most likely to kill themselves via pills or cutting. While men usually use firearms, jump in front of trains/off buildings. While YOU CANNOT PREVENT SOMEBODY FROM KILLING THEMSELVES IF THEY HAVE DECIDED TO, if you have somebody in your life suffering from depression it’s good to note this and try to keep these materials out of their reach. Again, YOU CANNOT PREVENT SOMEBODY FROM KILLING THEMSELVES IF THEY HAVE DECIDED TO, it is a personal decision, if you are dealing with the death of a loved one by suicide, know that there is only so much you could’ve done, suicide is a personal choice and there are other factors like brain chemistry at work that are out of your control.

Chapter 2: The Hospital

**Warning - this is where things get graphic **

The ambulance comes and takes me to the hospital. I’m still pretty out of it and in pain. We get to the ER, I hear the paramedic telling one of the doctors about me and hear the doctor say “Why is she here?” in an annoyed voice. This was the beginning of an eye opening experience into the consequences of monetizing health care. Eventually they put me in a bed.

They give me some morphine or something very strong, as I was too doped up to really talk or lift my head. I’m still very out of it and a man I’m assuming was a psychologist comes over and asks me “Why did you do this?” repeatedly. I don’t say much because I’m out of it, and who is this dude who barely introduced himself that wants to know all this personal stuff about me? He leaves and eventually another doctor comes over. He says he wants me to drink some charcoal to get the pills out of my body. He explains what I took could really do damage to my liver. You see I picked the wrong pills to quickly kill myself, I was slowly killing myself.

The charcoal was nauseating, even the smell of it made me want to vomit. I tried to drink it but would gag everytime I tried. The doctor would come over and egg me on to drink it as if I was being obstinate on purpose and choosing not to drink it, threatening to do it via a tube. Eventually they tried just that. Basically how it works is they stick a tube down your nose and directly put the food in your stomach. So the doctor starts trying to do this, it feels like he’s taking a scalpel and trying to force it down my nose (some of the most excruciating pain I’ve ever experienced in my life). My nose is bleeding profusely and they are having trouble getting the tube down my nose. After about 15 minutes of this torture the doctor flippantly says “Well, with the amount of hours it’s been since she took the pills, it probably wouldn’t have done much anyway” I’m floored at this point.

The only resemblance of humanity I experienced in the hospital was from the nurses, all of the doctors were cold, calculating and in the wrong profession imo. (Takoma Park Hospital -- avoid if you can!!!)

They sent me up to the ICU to continue flushing the pills out of my body intravenously. My friend eventually came and visited me. After that I was sent to the psychiatric ward as it is mandatory for them to hold you for 48 hours after a suicide attempt. I still haven’t called my parents at this point.

I’ve never been in prison, but the psych ward felt like the closest thing to it. Gray drab walls in a basement with very few windows. Everybody talks to you as if you’re a child and treats you accordingly. So here I am, a psychologist see’s me for all of 5 minutes. I try to talk to him but he says he doesn’t have time, he just tells me they won’t release me from the hospital until I’m signed up for an Alcohol rehabilitation program. Talk about phoning it in! I eventually lie and say I did, to get out of the hospital, nobody confirms or checks up on my claim, nor did they even offer me any resources to call. They were just going through the motions.

We had forced group activities like arts and crafts. I remember us doing a group activity and one of the people running the group (some sort of mental health medical professional) mentions something about herself, I can’t remember what, and says “You see even normal people go through issues!” or something to that effect. I’m like, these people went to school and have degrees???

To me all of this demonstrates the issues with monetizing health care, true healers (like the nurses) would not behave and talk like all these doctors, but alas too many become doctors for the money and accolades, compounded by a system that demands the doctors see a certain amount of patients a day to keep the insurance companies happy.

But moving on, I eventually call my parents (they are in control of my health insurance after all lol). It’s of course horrible. My parents are obviously upset but respond more calmly than I expect, it’s not their first time dealing with family issues, they’re just there for me. The gravity of what I had done really didn’t hit me until my big sister called me in the hospital. I think I have heard her cry twice in my life, this was one of them and it really struck a chord with me. Eventually my mom comes, we talk to a social worker (the only other professional I felt actually had a soul haha) who wants me to take pills. I 100% don’t want to have anything to do with pills anymore and my mom having dealt with mental health issues with another family member also isn’t down. It’s a temp fix bandaid and people get addicted to pills.

In the end I left the hospital with one concrete thought: I was either going to properly kill myself or put everything into finding peace, happiness and the life I wanted to live. Because I never, ever want to experience what I experienced in that hospital again, it was traumatizing, especially considering my mental state at the time. In the end, I chose to find peace in this life.

Chapter 3: Recovery

Now the path to recovery is a long and ongoing process, it was years before I wasn’t in a place where I considered suicide when things went wrong in my life. I view depression as an addiction, addiction to a way of thinking, it never will go away. I just needed to learn how to manage it. It took me years to build up the thinking habits that lead to my suicide attempt and thus it took years to get me out. These are things that worked for me and may or may not work for you if you’re suffering from depression:

1. Deleting my Facebook “friends” page. Seeing highlight reels of the lives of people you don’t actually hang out with can be dangerous psychologically. It’s not realistic, everybody’s struggling but that’s not what people post, so you only know if you see them in person and are actual friends. As a result social media can give you the impression that you’re doing something wrong in life, especially if you’re already living in a darkened self-doubt headspace.

2. Changing the way I talk to myself in my head. We all should be our biggest cheerleader, but many of us are our biggest critic. I would call myself “stupid”, get angry at myself when I made mistakes and generally would be mean. But I slowly stopped this, it took a lot of work over the years. I still work on this and catch myself, but in general I am much kinder to myself :) And you know what else I noticed? It changed how I talk to others and continually increases my compassion and ability to just let things go.

That being said, I also have gotten very good at pushing away people that don’t serve my headspace. I avoid people that constantly are finding the negative in situations. I don’t hang out with people who don’t encourage me to follow my dreams.

3. Falling in love with myself. It took years, but I love just hanging out with myself!! Taking myself out on dates, being as sweet to myself as I would to a lover, doing activities I like just with me. I put this one in bold because I see a lot of people who are uncomfortable being alone and just accept it, trust me when I say it is holding you back from being content with existence, if you’re not your own best friend I really suggest working on it. Part of falling in love with myself involved learning more about myself. Asking myself “why did I think/do that?” in a curious, non judgemental way. Acknowledging my demons and instead of beating myself up about my sins, figuring out the root of why it exists and constantly cheerleading myself on that I can do better. People die, people move, people change, you are the only constant in your life, so pleeease learn to enjoy being with you if you haven’t yet.

4. Spiritual plant medicines. Now before I get into this, I want to express my reticence to do so because there is a lot ignorance regarding the difference between medicine and drugs in Western culture. Imo, most pills you get at the doctor are drugs meant to mask a symptom, they don’t really heal but most regard this as “medicine”. Meanwhile, tools for healing and growth that the Earth was generous enough to give us such as Marijuana and Mushrooms are used to “get lit”, do what you want, but that’s not me. I use Marijuana as it always helps open the door to positive thinking, I have to walk through it, but it helps. It really saved my life in the earlier years, I would be sitting in a depressive funk just crying and pity partying, then after a few puffs I was over it and would just get to work on something. If you have issues with MJ giving you anxiety I suggest learning more about the strains, certain types are horrible for you if you have depression and anxiety while others are a saving grace. Read, learn and try to find a supplier who can get specific about what they’re selling you.

I also used various psychedelics, always going in with an intent of helping my spirit breathe, finding answers to my life and finding internal peace. The most effective medicine I have taken is Ayauascha, a spiritual plant medicine from South America that they have used for centuries. This is an intense medicine, I always have done it with a Shaman in a confirmed safe place. Everybody’s experience is different, but I have found the most healing through this medicine. It continues to heal you even after the effects are gone, it stays with you for life. Please don’t take this as an endorsement to just go out and try all these things however, EDUCATE yourself. I am happy to talk to anyone about this, but dealing with powerful plant medicines is a big deal, you can do more damage than good if you go in unprepared, half willingly or without a clear intent. Educate, learn from others, speak with professional healers that deal in plant medicine. This method is not for everybody, if you have a strong history of mental illness in your family or are taking other medicines, this might not be for you, please educate yourself.

5. Avoiding alcohol. I know society trains us to turn to booze when things are wrong, but alcohol is hands down a depressant. If you’re in a really depressed state alcohol is your enemy. To me it just pokes at the wounds and numbs. Your chances of killing yourself go up when you drink.

6. Nature. Something about being still in nature brings me back to the point of it all. I think disconnecting ourselves from nature does more damage than we appreciate. We are of this Earth and connected to everything in it. Just existing in a natural environment, whether it be the woods or the beach, observing all the animals/insects go about their day, staring/listening to the water, watching the sky, they all seem to take the weight of this society off of my heart.

7. Believing in myself, following my dreams, and disregarding the thoughts of anybody else. Going back to the logic of “well if I can’t have my dreams f’ life”. I don’t meet too many people that understand this, because honestly most don’t know and/or don’t pursue their passion. Many are content to just pay bills and find love, that’s not me though. I used to watch motivational videos and one day I came across an interview of Will Smith. In it he spoke of going all in for your dreams, like either succeed or die trying. He says it more eloquently but it was the first time I heard my thought process from a positive perspective. The difference being in one scenario I believe and another I don’t. So I’ve gone all in for my dreams, all of my time, money and sanity has gone in. It hasn’t been and still isn’t perfect but I can honestly say I am the happiest I’ve ever been, because I know if die today I went all in. I’m dropping my fourth album this year, have lost count of all the love and positivity I’ve gotten just because of what I do with music. People tell me how my music heals them, I’ve lost count of how many. I’ve had so many beautiful experiences and met so many wonderful people just because of pursuing my dreams. I can’t tell you how much peace going ALL IN has given me, my spirit can breathe without the help of psychedelics nowadays and I don’t need weed like I used to.

So those are the heavy hitters that have helped me. Perhaps they will work for you, perhaps not. I’ve tried things that don’t work for me but work for others. I went to a psychiatrist for a bit by myself and with my mom, they were cool but didn’t do much for me. I really don’t connect with Western healing methods, I think Western medicine is most useful for major things like needing a surgery, but for me it doesn’t do much when it comes to spiritual/mental healing.

If you are contemplating suicide please call a hotline (1-800-273-8255), go hang with positive friends (tell them if you don’t feel like talking, sometimes just being around the positive energy helps) and remember that YOU ARE LOVED. If you’ve convinced yourself everyone will be better off without you (which is not true) just think about simple logistics, if you kill yourself somebody will have to setup a funeral, clean your place out, talk to other family members and do all these expensive, time/energy consuming things. I know that sounds like a cold and calculating thing to write, but just thinking this has stopped me sometimes.

So if you’re depressed, it is possible for you to feel peace and happiness, trust me!!!!! And if you’re dealing with a loved one going through this do your best to help and be there but please remember this is a personal journey that they have to work out, you can only do so much and if someone you love kills themselves IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, SUICIDE IS A PERSONAL DECISION.

Peace, love and healing to you. I hope this helps. Feel free to hit me up to chat. <3

A few weeks ago I responded to a tweet about white people appropriating black music and ended up in a chat with some hurt white people confused as to what qualifies as appropriation as some of their favorite artists came up as appropriators in the conversation. I’ve been musing how to bring this topic up for a while and with the recent Charlottesville madness I thought it was time to give it a crack and open up a dialogue on it.

According to Google, appropriation is “the action of taking something for one’s own use”. This is done within the music industry often as music invented and developed within the black community is borrowed from or directly copied by a white a person. Here is where the confusion begins for many, as the valid point of everything begins with imitation is brought up. Every musician has influences, that is very true. The issue however lies with the lack of proper credit to these influences and more importantly that these influences aren’t getting their due monetarily and popularity wise. Moreover, these black influences experience barriers in terms of industry gatekeepers while the influenced white musician is skipping through an open gate. Lastly, the trend of showing off the negative stereotypes of black culture and disregarding the other parts that are involved, demonstrates a lack of understanding and respect for the music one is taking.

For example, this BET article: features tweets from Richey Collazo, who points out the trend of white pop stars who go through a “coming of age” phase in which they begin to work with black artists/producers and incorporate R&B and Hip Hop into their music. This phase is often their “bad girl/guy” phase in which they “push boundaries” and are “edgy” where they were once innocent and pure. After this phase is over however and when they start to “want to be positive” again they start skating away from these genres and collaborators. As if all there is to blackness and black music is getting drunk, smoking weed and shaking your booty. I think these two tweets say it best:

“they either make R&B to prove how raunchy and grown and sexual they are or hip hop to show how hard and street and rough they’ve become. “ — @richey_collazo

“and all you’re doing is showing us the stereotypes you place on blackness. you think us and our culture = sexual deviance & gang banging” — @richey_collazo

Taking what you want from black music, using it as a tool to be edgy while not respecting all of the genre/people and then throwing it away when it becomes inconvenient is cultural appropriation. Many of the pop stars we know and love have followed this formula.

I recently read a tweet where a woman believed that Blondie invented rap music and I was absolutely flabbergasted. What a GREAT example. While artists such as Afrika Bambaataa and Grandmaster Flash (the actual inventors) were rapping since the mid-70s in order to uplift the black community and fight gang violence, the white gatekeepers of the music industry had no interest in playing hip-hop or rap on the radio at the time. But just as has been done time and time again (e.g. Motown), they were happy to feature the music in a white, blond package. The song “Rapture” became a #1 pop hit in the 80’s and then some confused white people decided that she invented it.

Rock and Roll is another great example, while jazz improvisation, blues and R&B were the starting points for the growth of the genre when artists such as Chuck Berry and the underrepresented Sister Rosetta Tharpe began to play around with the ideas on an electric guitar, you would never know it without going out of your way to learn music history. Elvis Presley is a classic example of someone who was influenced by black music but reaped the benefits that many of his black influences never enjoyed. Even nowadays I think we can all agree that rock music is considered to be a white genre, it’s history isn’t acknowledged by many. It’s not like black people aren’t making rock music, they just often don’t get as much attention because of the forgotten history. If only hip-hop and R&B are considered to be “black music” then a blog or radio show that typically features “black music” won’t include rock music into their line up. Vice versa, a black artist playing rock music may get passed over by a rock blog or radio station because, whether consciously aware of it or not, on some level it’s not “real rock” in this gatekeeper’s mind. The music industry is just as much about image as it is the music, so if an artist doesn’t fit within the stereotypical image one has of a genre or style, they can be/are very easily passed over. Rock & Roll definitely has been appropriated by white people in this sense.

There are many examples and arguments I could put forth that would be enough to write a book about the appropriation of black music. This is just a blog post however. At the end of the day, the appropriation is so rampant that we take it for granted. While we can all agree the white people that don’t acknowledge how black music influenced their writing and style are appropriators, the gray area comes in with those who do. Even if a white artists says they were influenced by a black artist, the fact that many of these black artists never enjoyed success or notoriety on the level of these influenced artists is a demonstration of the racist microaggression woven into our culture that people can’t or refuse to see. Furthermore the ala cart method of using the negative stereotypes within black music as a tool for gain and throwing them away when you’re done with them pays no respect to black music. While not always intentional and malicious, this all still is appropriation and an example of how ingrained racism is within our culture.

Music royalties are hands down the highest point of contention within the music industry. It’s a never ending battle as the way music is consumed evolves faster than law making. Add the fact that most musician’s aren’t lawyers and it becomes a feeding frenzy with people that “just want to help” vying to get a cut of a musician’s payday. Moving beyond the discussion of ethics and morals regarding collecting royalties and who gets what, the actual process of collecting the royalties is complicated.

If you haven’t experienced the joy that is learning how music royalties work here’s a basic watered down explanation. There are 4 types of royalties: mechanical, public performance, synchronization and print music. Then on top of that there is a split between the songwriter and the publisher. I won’t hurt your brain explaining what that all means any further, there’s plenty of literature available on the internet about it if you’re interested.

So that part is already complicated and an on going debate regarding who gets what. But there is more fun to be had because after the what there is the how do I get my money. You see, we musicians just can’t hit up Spotify or Pandora and be like “Give me my money please.”, no we have to go through organizations that get the money from them and give it to us (for a small fee of course!). But wait, it gets more fun because different organizations collect different types of royalties. You have to go to one place to get your mechanical, another place to get your public performance and another place to get your synchronization and print royalties (print royalties don’t apply for the average indie musician however). I should also add that it’s very hard to collect your own mechanical royalties as an independent musician and most are leaving this money on the table.

Now recently companies such as CD Baby have started programs to collect all of these royalties for you in one place, but the debate becomes is it worth giving these companies more of your money to collect your money. So why the complication? Besides the aforementioned reason of the speed of evolution of music consumption versus laws (as new types of royalties came in to existence, new organizations came into existence to collect) the biggest reason as I see it is so people can take money from musicians for doing practically nothing!

Disclaimer because I mentioned them, this isn’t a rant against CD Baby, I love them, but just the entire industry as a whole. It is comprised of a bunch of corporations who see how much money there is to be gotten off of musicians. I would happily put the work into collecting all of my royalties and cut out all the middle men who do, in my opinion, not very much, but take very much. Whether you’re signed to a label or independent, the amount of hands in your pocket that aren’t involved in creating the music is insane. With the label there is an argument of recouping costs, but history has shown that they continue to screw musicians over well after money has been recouped.

I fail to see the value in all of these middle men, of course the middle men all say they are necessary, but I don’t see why, I know how to ask for my money just fine without them. I have yet to hear a convincing (or anything of substance for that matter) argument as to why these middle men and complications are needed, I’m calling BS on all of it. I think we need to take the power back. So truly, legitimately, what do we musicians have to do to cut these guys out? I would love to do it myself or am down to create a MUSICIANS ONLY organization where we collect our own royalties if need to be.

That’s me though, what are your thoughts musicians and music lovers?

For those who don’t know, busking means playing music in the streets for money. Since diving into being a full-time musician I’ve been doing it a lot. I think I did it for the first time about 6 years ago and have gained valuable lessons and skills from it since then that help not just with busking but life in general. Here they are!

1. Confidence

It’s one thing to play music on a stage or venue where people are prepared for there to be music, but to just plop down where it’s not expected and play to a mostly unwilling audience is just plain scary! I think it took me awhile to start busking for this reason. But let me tell you, there is nothing like making someone pull out their headphones or stop in their tracks as the walk by you or even run to the other side of the platform really quick just so they can give you some monetary love. The confidence doesn’t just come from acceptance however, sometimes people just sit there and ignore you or clearly walk away because you started playing, but it’s all good. This is such an important skill to have in life. Whether it be asking for a raise at work, asking somebody out or standing up for yourself, the only way you can do these things is by having enough belief and confidence in yourself to not let someone’s reaction affect you. Personally I’ve been pushing myself to leave my comfort zone when it comes to rejection and the more I do it the more silly it seems that I would stop myself from doing something just because someone might not like it, the possible benefits are too great! Confidence is a skill that is worked on by putting yourself in scary situations and I highly recommend it! (as long as your safety isn’t in jeopardy of course)

2. Frustration is a Sign to Try Something New

When I started busking sometimes I would go to a station, barely get any attention or money and then go home bummed. Not anymore! With the aforementioned skill of confidence gained, I squash any who ha in my mind that it’s because I suck (I’ve worked too hard to believe that) and start thinking of other more logical things such as “this isn’t a good location” which is usually the case as I’ll move and start making way more money. This is applicable in life, have you ever seen a small child trying to make a puzzle piece that clearly doesn’t fit smush into the wrong spot? They get more and more frustrated when all they have to do is find the right piece and easily put them together. I know I personally have a problem with doing this in my life and I imagine others do. Yes persistence and sticking with something is good, but there comes a time when you have to realize that something just doesn’t quite fit when the solution we’ve come up with for an issue; whether it be relationships, work or personal growth, isn’t working and to try something different. It’s easy to let frustration be a sign to give up, but often it is a sign to try to solve the problem a different way.

3. I am not psychic.

This is a BIG one that I think all of us humans get in trouble with. Sometimes I’ll see a person with what I think is a grumpy “omg shutup” look on their face then they’ll walk over and give me the biggest compliment and donation ever. Fear is a great story teller and often will convince you that it’s psychic. Even if we don’t consciously realize we’re doing it, it’s so easy to assume “that person doesn’t like me” or “they did this to me because of [insert mean intention that’s all about hurting me]. Our vision of the world is colored by our experiences of love, pain and learned prejudices (we’re surrounded by media that reinforces stereotypes it’s silly to think it doesn’t color our vision). We can be SO certain that this person is thinking this and be SO wrong. Have you ever been in a situation where somebody’s like “You’re clearly angry” when you’re not and they say they don’t believe you when you tell them you’re not, which of course makes you angry? haha! Reminding myself I’m not psychic has been a HUGE help in keeping my sanity and zen in life. Repeat it with me, “I’m not psychic”, one more time “I’m not psychic!”.

So those were three top lessons I’ve learned from busking that can be applied to life. As a musician I find busking to be so valuable, as you’re getting paid to promote yourself basically and the lessons you get from it really are valuable. For people that aren’t musicians this experience can be correlated to any experience of pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. So let’s do it!

There’s plenty of talk around musicians not getting paid, but not very much around why musicians aren’t getting paid. I’m curious about it, so here I go!

I’ve always found it interesting how people willingly (with a little grumbling sometimes) buy overpriced drinks at bars and then tip the bartender for opening a can, pouring into a glass or pulling a lever. But when it comes to music unless the musician is already famous there’s a reluctance to even tip a buck at a show or to buy an album. While yes there are a lot of mediocre musicians who barely put any work into their craft, this is not the case across the board. I think it all comes down to social psychology.

American society at least, expects that a waiter or bartender gets tipped (you look like a jerk if you don’t), additionally more people have done a service job than the job of musician so they can truly empathize. Furthermore, Whereas society is in love with the paradigm of a “starving artist” that suddenly “makes it big” there is no in between. So while someone may shell out $30 to see a famous band that’s coming through town and $20 for their latest album, the $5 cover for the similar sounding local band and the $10 album just feels like too much to spend.

I think it’s also related to something that I’ve touched on before, the idea that good musicians got where they are on talent alone. As if there is some magical force that makes a person suddenly be able to shred guitar and compose music. But as Harry Potter learns his first day of school there is a lot more to it than just having magic and waving your arms. I talk to so many people that quit music because they weren’t “naturally talented enough”, this thought process negates the large amount of hard work and discipline required to master an instrument(s) and learn to compose. I don’t think most non-musicians truly appreciate what it takes to spend tens of thousands of hours by yourself in a room repeating the same patterns over and over until you’ve mastered them (then again to reinforce them). So not only can they not empathize as in the case with a bartender, they really can’t even sympathize.

This also swings me over to the idea that being a musician isn’t a “real job”. Besides the point about people truly not understanding how much work is required to make good sounding music, music is a career you get into for love. Sadly, many have decided that it is impossible for them to do what they love for a living and I think deep, deep down they don’t think musicians deserve to get paid for doing what they love because they have decided they themselves can’t do what they love. I don’t think malcontent is meant but I think this is a major, rarely talked about point. Personally, I think that if someone can make a living off of “pet rocks” than anything is possible and people should stop selling themselves short, but this is a conversation for another time.

Now another, less noble reason I think people don’t want to pay for music is it’s so easy to steal! Not only physically but it is more or less socially acceptable to steal music. If it was considered common practice to steal drinks from bars, and the chances of being caught and having to face consequences were as low as they are with the music industry, I assure you more people would steal drinks from bars. I’ve also heard the argument that “music is too expensive” but honestly people find ways to pay for overpriced food, booze and entertainment such as tv sports packages, video games, movies and television just fine.

So in the end, I think it all comes down to social psychology. I’m no psychologist but this is what my observations tell me. What can we do to change this paradigm of the starving artist? I don’t know but I’m open for suggestions.